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This has the feel of an article from The Onion, but it is not.  Herman Cain made a campaign stop at “The Holy Land Experience”-  the Jesus themed park in Florida.  The article is full of wonderful tidbits, but this excerpt is probably the most presidential:

 

He (Cain) did have a slight worry at one point during the chemotherapy process when he discovered that one of the surgeon’s name was “Dr. Abdallah.”

“I said to his physician assistant, I said, ‘That sounds foreign–not that I had anything against foreign doctors–but it sounded too foreign,” Cain tells the audience. “She said, ‘He’s from Lebanon.’ Oh, Lebanon! My mind immediately started thinking, wait a minute, maybe his religious persuasion is different than mine! She could see the look on my face and she said, ‘Don’t worry, Mr. Cain, he’s a Christian from Lebanon.’”

“Hallelujah!” Cain says. “Thank God!”

 

To read the entire article, click here.

Masturbator Tells Church to Beat It

Wes —  August 10, 2011 — 1 Comment

Greatest.  News.  Article.  Ever.  We really can’t add anything funnier than what the article below already says, so enjoy.

 

Izad Chavoshan: Masturbation Enthusiast

O.C. man upset with church teachings convicted of hate crime

An Orange County man charged with lighting fires at an Irvine church because he was disgruntled about its teachings against masturbation was convicted Tuesday of committing hate-crime arson, authorities said.

Izad Chavoshan, 32, who lives in Huntington Beach, set trash cans on fire in front of the Orange County Church of Christ on three separate occasions in October 2009, prosecutors said.

Chavoshan was a former church member who disagreed with the church’s teachings against masturbation, according to the Orange County district attorney’s office.

Chavoshan pleaded guilty to three felony counts of arson, one felony count of attempted arson and a hate-crime sentencing enhancement. He has a prior strike conviction for criminal threats in 1998 and faces a sentence ranging from probation to up to 20 years in state prison, the district attorney’s office said.

He is scheduled to be sentenced Aug. 19 at the Santa Ana courthouse.

 

Original Article Here

Here’s an interesting picture on the topic- what say you?

 

You’ve probably heard about Texas Governor Rick Perry and his massive prayer rally that is taking place this weekend in Houston, Texas.   This is not the handsome governor’s first foray into the religious arena- it was only a few months ago that he proclaimed that Texans should spend 3 days praying for rain

NOW, THEREFORE, I, RICK PERRY, Governor of Texas, under the authority vested in me by the Constitution and Statutes of the State of Texas, do hereby proclaim the three-day period from Friday, April 22, 2011, to Sunday, April 24, 2011, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas. I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers on that day for the healing of our land, the rebuilding of our communities and the restoration of our normal and robust way of life.

 

Back to this weekend’s prayer rally, though.  Some of the more cynical among us would observe that this is clearly a manipulative ploy to garner the conservative vote for a man who most believe will be announcing his candidacy for the presidency very soon- but we’ll leave that aside… for now.  For the time being, we’ll just share this clip that RightWingWatch.org has compiled- it’s some of the greatest hits from a few of the endorsers/participants of this weekend’s rally.

 

 

Some things we learned from the video:

  1. Watch out for Oprah (Mike Bickle)
  2. God sent Hitler to “hunt” Jews during the Holocaust (John Hagee)
  3. All liberals hate God, religion, faith, and Christianity in general (Bryan Fisher)

 

 

A big part of the book that I’m writing deals with reclaiming space for use in the kingdom of God. So, I’ve heard lots of stories about former schools, movie theaters, malls, and even strip clubs being turned into churches. But this is a new one.

The real disappointment for me in this story isn’t the location. It’s the fact that the church is named Flatlands Church of God and not Goodfellas Church of God. I mean how do you miss that opportunity?!

You could have had a pastoral staff composed of Robert De Niro as senior pastor, Ray Liotta as youth pastor, and Joe Pesci leading worship!!

Now that would be a church to tell your friends about.

It’s church bada-bingo!

By RICH CALDER and MITCHEL MADDUX

It’s a former Mafia slaughterhouse where God — and not the Godfather — calls the shots now.

A Brooklyn building that once housed the infamous Gemini Lounge — where Gambino crime-family soldiers carried out countless, unspeakable mob murders — has become the Flatlands Church of God, drawing faithful every Sunday to sing praises to the Almighty.

Donald Williams, pastor of the mob killing-field-turned-Pentecostal church at Flatlands and Troy avenues, said he didn’t know his church site’s gruesome history before paying $220,000 for it in 1997.

The two-story brick building is where Gambino soldier Roy DeMeo and his crew of Mafia psychopaths whacked and dismembered anywhere from 70 to 200 victims in the 1970s and early ’80s, according to prosecutors.

But Williams said he doesn’t regret buying the property — even as the church now struggles years later to stay afloat and raise money for necessary repairs.

“I think God sent us here for a reason,” Williams said. “After we opened, many of our neighbors said our coming was a sigh of relief. They said if a church is here, God is here, and they could finally sleep at night.”

The pastor also said he believes the church’s presence has saved souls of people murdered there.

The church’s altar and seating area for its 100 members was once a smoke-filled dance floor at the old lounge.

An elevated stage, now used for a public address system, is where DeMeo usually sat and kept a safe to stash loan-shark money, guns and other valuables.

And a side apartment, now used for church offices, was where unsuspecting victims were lured and killed in an execution style dubbed the “Gemini Method.”

The system was designed to eliminate messiness, prosecutors say.

Someone would shoot the victim once in the head and then wrap a towel around his wound like a turban to stem blood flow. Another person would then stab the victim in the chest to divert more blood from pumping out of the gunshot wound.

Before being tossed in bags and boxes and dropped at a local dump, the corpse would be chopped up in a basement room the church has since converted into a computer room and some bathrooms.

Continue reading

 

 

 

 

 

As we’ve pointed out before Mark Driscoll is not a fan of yoga.

So, I wonder how he’s taking this piece of news…..

‘Holy yoga’ for Jesus coming to Seattle area

by Amy Rolph, seattlepi.com

Grab your mat and say a prayer, Seattle.

Yoga just got a whole lot more pious.

“Holy Yoga” is happening in Redmond Friday and Saturday, part of a weekend workshop event for yogis with Christian convictions.

What’s on the schedule? I’m so glad you asked.

Attendees will start out with a “Jesus at the Core” Bible study. (Get it? Because yoga is all about engaging your core, right?)

There’s gentle holy yoga and power holy yoga — all about encouraging “victorious living in Christ.”

“Holy Yoga is a holistic worship experience,” said Brooke Boon, founder of Holy Yoga. “We use our minds to study and meditate on the word of God, our hearts to listen, our bodies to glorify and our souls to respond to the promptings of His Holy Spirit.”

The event is happening at the Washington Cathedral in Redmond, where pastor Pastor Linda Skinner is a fan. The church hosts weekly holy yoga classes.

“We take seriously what God’s Word says to us about our bodies being a temple of the Holy Spirit,” Skinner said in a prepared statement.

Not everyone in the Christian community is a fan of yoga. Mark Driscoll, pastor of the every-growing Mars Hill Church in Seattle, recently said yoga is “demonic” and “absolute paganism.”

Found here

 

 

 

Yet another insight from brilliant mind of Steven Anderson….

 

 

Nothing says you love Jesus like getting his name tattooed on your body in the language of a people for whom tattoos were strictly forbidden.

See it right there under his armpit? Isn’t it cute? I’m sure Jesus is honored to have his name tattooed below an armpit.

Here’s the story on the new tattoo in case you feel the need to read it.

My only question is: Does Jesus have a tattoo of Justin Bieber?

 

 

There’s nothing about this clip that isn’t funny.

“Save the date? Like a wedding? I wonder if the apocalypse will be chicken or fish.”

“There’s only 10 more shopping days ’till there aren’t any more shopping days.”

What we love best is Colbert’s “love” of the American nature of this whole thing. If you notice, the only place this end of the world campaign is happening is here in the United States.

So expectedly normal weird to see an American Christian group with an exclusively American focus.

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Yahweh or No Way? – Thor and Apocalypse Billboard
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

 

As we continue the countdown to Judgement Day on May 21st we bring you yet another sign of the coming apocalypse.

Do you know what the first Google search result is for church??

That’s right, Mark Driscoll is the top result for “church”!!

If “Pastor Mark” is the top definition of what looks like, then surely Jesus is coming quickly to reclaim her church and save her from the insanity, arrogance, and closet fundamentalism that is Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill Church.

With this latest sign we here at American Jesus are beginning to seriously consider the possibility that Jesus may in fact return on May 21st. After all, if this is what the church looks like or what people want it to look like, then we say “Come quickly Lord Jesus!”

On a better note, though, there may be a counter sign of the apocalypse in this sign of the apocalypse.

The number 3 Google search result for “church” is Church’s Chicken and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with some fried chicken. Mmmmmm……

**Although true fried chicken connoisseurs know that the best chicken on the face of the planet is at Gus’ Fried Chicken in Memphis, TN. If you disagree then you either 1)have never been blessed to experience Gus’ culinary delight or 2)you are a bigger “heretic” than Rob Bell and love will definitely not win for you!)