Archives For February 2011

Remember when Jesus said “Hate everyone that doesn’t agree with you theologically and call them heretics?” Me neither. Then again if you were to read most of the blogs and tweets that have popped up over the weekend concerning Rob Bell’s new book Love Wins: A Book About Heaven, Hell, and the Fate of Every Person Who Ever Lived you would think that the primary mission of the church is to trash everyone who’s theology doesn’t align with yours and sentence them to an eternity in hell.

This isn’t to say that I don’t think theology isn’t important. I’ve spent most of the past decade of my life studying theology on an academic level and I’m currently in the process of writing a theology book. Theology is tremendously important to the life of the church. It tells us who we are and shapes how we live our lives. The result of bad theology can become incredibly problematic. The concept of “heresy” does have a place in the life of the church. It’s tell us “this is how far we can go and no further”, or maybe more acurately “this is who we are and this who we are not.”

However, we have to be incredibly careful when we go around labeling people “heretics” and their theology “heresy.” Simply because someone doesn’t agree with what you think is fundamentally important to the faith doesn’t mean 1) they are a heretic or 2)what you hold so dear is actually fundamentally important to the faith.

For starters, and this has already been said many other places, you can’t start accusing something of heresy or anything else if you don’t actually know what they’ve said. It amazes (and disgusts) me that so many people have pounced on Rob Bell simply from a marketing campaign from his publisher. I’m looking at you John Piper, Joshua Harris, and Mark Driscoll. As pastors and leaders in the church they ought to be ashamed of how they are and have treated this man without ever having actually read his book. Anyone with a modicum of ability to put their own bias and pre-convinced ideas to the side could watch the video Rob has produced and notice that he never actually makes the claims others are making for him. It’s a marketing campaign. It’s meant to stir up interest and to that end it might just be the greatest Christian marketing campaign in recent memory.

I’m definitely not the only one to notice this (Matthew Paul Turner has spent the better part of his weekend in theological twitter debates over this), but it seems that much of the outcry over Rob’s book stems less from his perceived departure from orthodoxy and more from the fact that he’s not Calvinist or Reformed. The reality of the American church is that most of its loudest voices and most visible faces are people who adhere to the theology of John Calvin. John Piper: Calvinist. Joshua Harris: Calvinst. Mark Driscoll: Calvinist. This isn’t a knock against Calvinism. I for one am a proud Wesleyan-Armenian but I still love those in the Reformed tradition and consider them to be brothers and sisters in Christ. I think the problem is that these men, and well as many others, have been decived by their own prominence into thinking that Calvinist/Reformed theology is orthodoxy. Therefore, anyone who doesn’t agree with all the tenets of Calvin is a “heretic.” The same could be said of many other Christian traditions as well, however, they have not not been as vocal on this issue or least not given as much attention.

Might I suggest, via Jim Belcher in his great book Deep Church: A Third Way Beyond Emerging and Traditional, that since we cannot all agree on the details of the faith we use the “great tradition”, or the ancient creeds of the faith (such as the Apostles’ and Nicene creeds), as our common ground for orthodoxy and theological discussion. It is true that this definition still fails in that our brothers and sisters in the East aren’t completely of one accord on every detail of these creeds, but I think we all agree on enough that they can shape our conversations and debates in a much more helpful way than “this is what I think therefore it is orthodoxy.”

By this measure Rob Bell (along with many others) is not a heretic if in fact he does affirm an empty hell which I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH is at this point merely the accusation of a vocal few. Strictly speaking these ancient creeds of the church, while they do speak of Christ judging, never actually affirm eternal torment. If you really want somebody that tosses out the commonly held foundation of the church and could serve as your poster-child for “heresy” then might I suggest the recent CNN article on John Dominic Crossan or read some of the work of John Shelby Spong. (Notice I said read not assume you know what they’re saying. And yes, even if they’re “heretics” we’ve still gotta love them.)

I don’t agree with Rob on every point he has every made, but I have and continue to use many of the resources he has put together for the service of the church. I do not know him personally but the man I see in his NOOMA films and the one I find in the pages of his book is a man who deeply loves God, the church, and Scripture. He has challenged me and many others to rethink commonly held assumptions about the faith that upon second glance are not at all what we thought, the discovery of which can take us deeper in our faith than we had ever imagined.

If we are to be the people of God Jesus meant for us to be then we have to put these petty squabbles aside and remember that the purpose of the church is not to defend God or theology, but rather feed the hungry, love our enemies, defend the cause of the widow, the orphan and the oppressed, and preach the good news to the poor.

When theological debates are needed (and perhaps they are now) we have to remember not to assume either that we know our “opponent’s” position or that our particular tradition is the definition of orthodoxy. After all, we all know what happens when you ASSume….

How to Speak Christianese

Zack —  February 25, 2011 — 4 Comments

One of my biggest pet peeves in the church is “Christianese”, words and phrases we use in the church that are only used in the context of church and which no one outside of church can understand. Granted every religion, culture, and community will have its own vocabulary which will be foreign to outsiders. I whole heartedly embrace the language of the faith. The problem, however, in my experience is two-fold. First, most people inside the church really have no clue what they saying when they speak Christianese. Don’t believe? Ask a Christian friend what “trinity” or “atonement” mean and count how many times they say “uh”. Second, despite our ignorance of our own vocabulary we for some inexplicable reason expect those outside the church to understand what we are saying when we speak to them in Christianese about the gospel. We then get frustrated and look down on them because they have no idea what we are talking about.

Fortunately there is solution!

From the people at BADD it’s “How to speak Christianese”!

This video is a couple of years old, but hilarious nonetheless.

If you’re like me, the two passions in your life are white rappers and Jesus Christ.  To my own dismay, these two worlds rarely- if ever- collide.  Well, brace yourself- because below is a Jesusified version of “The Real Slim Shady” called “The Real Jesus Christ.”  And yes, it is every bit as awesome as you think it would be.   Watch out Lecrae!

Lyrics below the video.

“The Real Jesus Christ”
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Jesus Christ please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Jesus Christ please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here..

Y’all act like you never seen God before
Jaws all on the floor like me, like God just burst in the door
and started spitin his word better than before
he is sometimes ignored, been throw out the door (Ahh!)
It’s the return of the… “Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding,
he didn’t just die on the cross for our sins, did he?”
And Jesus said… of course i did!
Jesus is back, he’s locked inside my heart! (Ha-ha!)
Christian people love Jesus
Chiga Chiga Chiga
“Jesus Christ, I’m lovin of him
Look at him, walkin around in heaven with you-know-what
Flippin spiritualy the you-know-who,” “Yeah, but he is so great though!”
Yeah, he’s probably got a couple of people not following his word But what’s worse, than what’s goin when people don’t believe in him
Sometimes, I wanna get on the news and just let his word loose, but can’t
but it’s cool for for them to show another movie on tv
“His word is on my lips, his word is on my lips”
And if I’m lucky, i might just be able to see his face
And that’s the message that we should deliver to little kids
And expect them know what a gods word is
Of course they should know what gods word is
By the time they hit fourth grade
They got the Bible don’t they?
“We ain’t nothing but his creation..” Even, all across the nation
who love other people and open up his word
But if we can follow his word
then there’s no reason that a man or women should ever have to suffer

But if you feel like I feel, I got the Word
Everyone wave your bible, sing the chorus and it goes

[Chorus: Eminem (repeat 2X)]

‘Cause Hes Jesus Christ, yes hes the real God
All you other posers are just imitating
So won’t the real Jesus Christ please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

[Eminem]
Jesus Chirst don’t gotta lie in his bible to tell his word;
And you don’t, so praise him and he will praise you too!
You think he doesn’t give a thought about You?
Half of you people can’t even praise him, let alone stand him
“But Guys, what if you did, wouldn’t it be great?”
Why? So Jesus could just use his word to get you here?
So you can, sit there next to your idol?
Shoot, You better better switch me chairs
so I can sit next to Him, the one, Jesus Christ
and watch ‘em bless over who believed in him first
You better praise, they should put him on MTV
“Yeah, he’s great, and I think he’s ready to see me !”
You should download his audio on MP3
and show the whole world how god’s word is key
I wish you people would listen to him, all I do is think of him
so I have been sent here to teach you
And there’s a million of us just like me
who pray like me; who just don’t care about themselves like me
who go to church like me; walk, talk and act for god like me
and just might be the next best thing but not quite as good as him!

[Chorus]

[Eminem]
His word is so great to listen to, cause hes only givin you
things you can talk about with your friends inside your living room
The only catch is you need to mean it when you say it
in front of everyone and It don’t gotta be false or sugarcoated at all
just get on the mic and spit it
and whether you like to admit it I just praise it
all for god and i am happy for the rappers who also can
I wonder if kids can listen to these words like i did
It’s funny; cause at the rate I’m goin when I’m in heaven
I’ll be one of many in Gods Kingdom happy
Jumping for joy when I’m running away with Jesus
And I’m crazy for him, and i hope this rap starts working
And every single person is a Jesus Christ lurkin
He could be watchin me as i sing, spittin his word in his ring
Or in the church, circling
Screaming “I love Jesus so much!”
with my word flowing down and my bible held up
So, will the real Jesus please stand up?
And put one of those scriptures on each book up?
And be proud to be our savior of my mind and my soul
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

[Chorus 4X]

Seven Bowls of Wrath

Zack —  February 24, 2011 — 2 Comments

“1 Then I heard a loud voice from the temple saying to the seven angels, “Go, pour out the seven bowls of God’s wrath on the earth.” 2 The first angel went and poured out his bowl on the land, and ugly, festering sores broke out on the people who had the mark of the beast and worshiped its image. 3 The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood like that of a dead person, and every living thing in the sea died. 4 The third angel poured out his bowl on the rivers and springs of water, and they became blood…..8 The fourth angel poured out his bowl on the sun, and the sun was allowed to scorch people with fire. 9 They were seared by the intense heat and they cursed the name of God, who had control over these plagues, but they refused to repent and glorify him.10 The fifth angel poured out his bowl on the throne of the beast, and its kingdom was plunged into darkness. People gnawed their tongues in agony 11 and cursed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, but they refused to repent of what they had done. 12 The sixth angel poured out his bowl on the great river Euphrates, and its water was dried up to prepare the way for the kings from the East….17 The seventh angel poured out his bowl into the air, and out of the temple came a loud voice from the throne, saying, ‘It is done!’ ” (Revelation 16:1-17)

I don’t know about you, but that definitely sounds like song material to me.

Or at least it did to these guys…..

Geico Church Commercial

Zack —  February 23, 2011 — 1 Comment

Let me preface this by saying that I really really hate the “Can you really save 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico?” commercials.

One, they’re not funny. At all. I actually change the channel whenever they come on.

Two, it’s the 21st century and you’re a major company. Stop shooting your commercials in 4:3.

However, this church’s parody is actually pretty amusing. In fact, I would argue it’s infinitely funnier than the real thing.

Smoky Mountain Adventures

Zack —  February 22, 2011 — 1 Comment

I just got back from a weekend in Gatlinburg with my youth group. I’ve been there several times before and am well aware of the tacky tourist atmosphere, but I had no idea it was such a hotbed of American Christian paraphernalia. Here are just a few of my favorites.

First up, a couple of tshirts.

This first one isn’t too earth shatteringly amazing, but what makes it more amusing is the fact that it, along with the other shirt, was being sold in a “China Bazaar” along with nunchucks, throwing stars, gunswords (you read that right), and “water pipes.”

 

Out of the two shirts, this one below was my favorite. Don’t understand the Bible? It’s probably because you aren’t “reading between the lines”.

 

Finally the piece de resistance. We’ve all seen the family stickers people put on the back of their car windows. Stick figures meant to represent mom and dad, however many kids, and the family dog. This was the first one that I have seen that also thought to included Jesus, or at least the cross. If you look really carefully you can tell it’s a proper Christian family because dad has a tie on and mom is wearing a skirt.

 

Thank you Gatlinburg for your no cost entertainment.

 

The Ignite Church in Joplin, Missouri likes sex.  Alot.  And it thinks that you should like it too.

 

They are putting billboards up all over town that are causing quite a stir.  Why?  Because some of them imply that people are- GASP!- having sex.  The pastor defends his billboard, explaining that all of the couples on the billboard are married, so it’s kosher.  Most of them advertise a sermon series that the church is doing, which now has it’s own website: mysexlifesucks.org.  So, if you’re in town and looking for a good time- look them up.

 

 

Fundie Friday – part 23

Zack —  February 18, 2011 — Leave a comment

Today as part of Fundie Friday your job is to “cancel the devil’s assignment!”

How do you do that? Easy, send Jentezen Franklin your paycheck.

Maybe it’s just me, but has anybody else ever noticed the suit evolution that happens on Christian TV? Somebody like Jentezen Franklin starts off wearing something really shabby while their slumming it on the telethon, but over the years as their appearances on the show increase their suits get nicer and nicer until they eventually reach T.D. Jakes and Benny Hinn territory and have their own “ministry”/tv show and $5000 custom suits.

Of course I’m sure they would be quick to point out that their suits have not evolved. They have been intelligently designed to get nicer and nicer.

Praise God Tonight

Zack —  February 17, 2011 — 2 Comments

This wonderful little diddy is actually brought to us by our friends to the north, but as we all know Canada is really just a little America. Sorry Canadian friends, but you know it’s true.

I’m assuming that this is the fulfillment of the artistic vision KC and the Sunshine Band had when they originally wrote “Get Down Tonight.” Puppets singing a remixed Christian version of their classic song.

Say a little prayer, sing a little song, praise God tonight!

HBTSFJF

Zack —  February 16, 2011 — 4 Comments

That title isn’t a typo.

Apparently it stands for “Hardcore Bible Thumping Spirit Filled Jesus Freaks.”

It’s so obvious now. I don’t know why I didn’t get that the first time.

Anyway, we present yet another reason why you probably shouldn’t make your own homemade Christian rap video. Although I will say that nothing says “gangsta” more than sitting in front of a wooden fence. Orange pants and a touch of auto-tune don’t hurt either.