Are you worried about the “facts” and “science” your child is learning at school?
Then you need to get your junior disciple a Fundamentalist Science Kit….
Archives For March 2011
While the biggest holiday going on is clearly the first real day of March Madness, we also want to recognize a little known day thatyou may have heard of- St. Patrick’s Day.
We can think of no better way to honor St. Patrick than to provide our readers with some tasty limericks regarding the media flap over Rob Bell. Enjoy!
There once was a pastor named Piper
Who was so old that he wore adult diapers
He judged others so
Because only he knows
How to rank faith like Mel Kiper
There was a nice heretic named Bell
Whose strange ideas he did tell
Piper said “bye!”
And when rob asked “why?”
He said “you don’t believe in my hell”
A new book that came out is “Love Wins”
Inside it are all kinds of sins
Condemn it to hell
And increase its sales
But soon find it in clearance bins
Below is the schedule for the American Jesus Madness Tournament.
There first four rounds will be broken up into 3-hour voting blocks. During that time you can vote for who you want to win each matchup as many times as you want.
Winners for each round will be announced as soon as I can get them posted following the end of each voting session .
The Egregious Eight and Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse rounds will take place on Monday following the same schedule as Friday. The Championship matchup will be on Tuesday with voting lasting all day. The bracket winner will be announced along with the tournament champion on Tuesday after the voting ends.
If you’ve got any questions, just ask them in the comment section below and we’ll try to answer them.
Remember that voting is open to EVERYONE regardless of whether or not they entered a bracket. So, if you want to help yourself send as many people over to vote as you can!
AMERICAN JESUS MADNESS SCHEDULE (all times as CST!!)
1st Round
Friday: 9am-12pm
Salacious 16
Friday: 1pm-4pm
Egregious Eight
Monday: 9am-12pm
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Monday: 1pm-4pm
Championship
Tuesday: 9am-4pm
**YOU HAVE UNTIL MIDNIGHT TONIGHT TO TURN IN YOUR BRACKET!!**
Are you tired of hearing “Your Bible is a weapon against the enemy!” because you get frustrated not having the ammunition to put that weapon into action?
Well, worry no more because Ray Comfort and his buddy Kirk Cameron are here to help.
Good ‘ole Ray has grown tired of getting sidetracked by minor issues when he debates people (you know, minor issues like “facts”) and he’s guessing you feel the same way too. So, Ray has put together The Evidence Bible which will allow you to quickly flip to the “answers” you need to defeat your opponent and shame them with their own stupidity into becoming a Christian.
Of course, it’s the King James Version so you know it’s authoritative. Well, actually its the NEW King James, so it’s only slightly authoritative.
Either way, if you’re looking for quicker, easier way to beat co-workers and strangers over the head with the Bible then this Bible is for you!
**And don’t forget to turn in your bracket for the American Jesus Madness Tournament!**
Ok maybe not Cee Lo himself, but his famous single has gotten the Christian treatment.
In the long line of Christian remakes, this one just may be the best of all time.
We’ve done the research for you. So, all you have to do is vote for the winner.
As promised here are the breakdowns of the matchups for American Jesus Madness.
Mark Driscoll vs. Interpretive Dance Lady
This one might seem like a no brainer. Driscoll is a man’s man. He doesn’t mess with sissy stuff like yoga. There is no way he would ever lose to a woman. But don’t be so quick to count this lady out. Not only is she an awesome dancer, but her video made it all the way to the Huffington Post! Then again, Driscoll is probably too much of a bully to lose to anybody.
Ted Haggard vs. Hookers For Jesus
This might be one of the trickiest 1st round matchups. We all know that Pastor Ted has a penchant for hookers, and possibly his own family. But these hookers loves Jesus. So, if Ted decides to take one home it might not end up the way he hopes. Then again, Ted was never a big fan of female hookers.
Terry Jones vs. Westboro Baptist
There’s nothing pretty (or redeeming) about this match up. Terry Jones wants to burn the Koran and Fred Phelps wants everybody to burn. Neither one of these people have many fans. Just know that if you do vote for Westboro Baptist we will judge you.
Stephen Colbert vs. Kirk Cameron
This is a battle of TV stars. You may be wondering “Why is Stephen Colbert in the tournament?” Here’s your answer. Also, he’s catholic and sorry to all you fundies out, but there that does count as being a Christian. There was a time when I would have gladly voted for Kirk Cameron for anything. I’ll admit it. I was a Growing Pains fan. But then Kirk hooked up with Ray Comfort and he quickly fell off my teen idol list. Just remember that if you don’t vote for Stephen Colbert it means you hate America.
John Piper vs. Mountaintop Jesus
This might be an easy win for Piper. Apparently, all he has to do is say “farewell” and you’re done. But, he’ll have to climb to the top of a mountain to get at this incarnation of Jesus. Or maybe Piper can just tweet his victory.
Ron Luce vs. YouTube Christian Rapper
We’ve got another tough 1st round battle here. Two armies collide, only 1 will survive. On one side Ron Luce has his Teen Mania army ready to destroy everyone in their path. On the other side is an army of YouTube Christian Rappers here, here, here, and here ready for their big break. Who will win? I don’t know, but either way we are the losers in the battle.
Steven Anderson vs. King James Bible
This 1st round matchup is a full on Civil War. In one corner we have the greatest fundie pastor of them all. In the other corner is the only true, uncorrupted version of the word of God. Pastor Anderson loves the KJV, so what can he do? This one all comes down to whether or not this KJV is 1611 or a newer corruption.
Jack Chick vs. Ed Young
Sometimes you get really random pairings because they were the only people left. Such is the case in this first round matchup. Jack Chick is the godfather of religious tracts. Ed Young loves 3-D. It’s old Christian tech versus new hotness. This one’s totally up to the voters.
Rob Bell vs. Tree Jesus
Did you know Rob Bell wrote a new book?? Probably not, since nobody has really said anything about it. In other news, Jesus has been popping up everywhere, including a tree. To be honest this matchup is probably a no brainer. All Rob Bell has to do is imply that there is no tree and everyone else will decide that there is no tree. Rob wins!
Pat Robertson vs. Rocking Chair Jesus
This could be a battle for the ages. What can be a tougher fight than a senile old man and a rocking chair. Throw in the fact that the senile old man is a pastor and the rocking chair has the face of Jesus on it and you’ve got a battle of epic proportians. History tells us that the rocking chair usually wins this battle, but don’t count out Pat. He may turn out to be the tournament sleeper that steals the show. Get it? Sleeper, rocking chair. That’s a top quality joke right there.
Rick Warren vs. Andy Stanley
This battle is a pure Tupac vs. Biggie, East Coast/West Coast showdown. If you’re an east coaster, go with Stanley. If you’re a west coaster, go with Warren. If you live in the middle, then just go to your church’s library and see who’s curriculum you’re using and vote accordingly.
Doug Giles vs. Christian Ventriloquist
If you don’t know who Doug Giles is then count yourself lucky. If you’ve never had to sit through this rapping Christian ventriloquist then count yourself equally blessed. The smart money here is on Giles to whip the ventriloquist out of the tournament because that’s what Jesus would do.
Joel Osteen vs. Pet Rock Jesus
It’s the smiling preacher versus a rock that supposedly looks like Jesus and Mary. Osteen is the heavy favorite here. After all what’s not to love about Joel? I would say everything. Then again, if you vote for Joel God will make you rich.
Ken Ham vs. Ray Comfort
This may just be the toughest 1st round matchup to call. You’ve got Creation Museum founder Ken Ham going against none other than the banana man himself Ray Comfort. This one will definitely come down to the wire, but Ham may just pull through with his epic Noah’s ark theme park.
Third Eagle vs. John Hagee
Things don’t get any easier with this matchup. We’ve got two titanic self proclaimed experts on end time prophecy going head to head. If John Hagee seems like the favorite here, then it’s only because you don’t know enough about the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse. Watch his videos, especially the music videos, and then decide who the real co-prophet of the end times is!
Buddy Jesus vs. May 21, 2011
This may seem like a random pairing, an action figure against a prophesied date for the second coming, but that’s only because it is. Buddy Jesus
So there you have it! Breakdowns of all the 1st round matchups. In the end though, it’s up to YOU to vote on the winner. Stay tuned for a schedule of match up and voting times.
It’s March Madness time which means it’s time for all true blooded Americans to neglect their jobs for the next couple of weeks pouring over obscure statistics in order to fill out the perfect bracket and then watch that bracket bust after the first round.
Since we anticipate having our own brackets busted by Friday we’ve decided have some fun before we get depressed.
We’re starting a new tradition and we’re calling it: American Jesus Madness.
It works just like the NCAA Tournament, but instead of basketball teams we’re going to use famous Christians and famous Christian things. We’ve sort of seeded people, i.e. Rob Bell should have an easy match up against the image of Jesus that appeared on a tree recently. However other 1st round matches are a bit tougher, i.e. Terry Jones vs. Westboro Baptist.
It’s completely up to YOU to decided who wins and why. You can vote on who/what is funnier, more important, you can choose the lesser/greater of two evils or choose winners to create awesome match ups in later rounds. You can use any rational you want and feel free to let us know why you chose the way you did.
UPDATE: We’ll have a 1st Round breakdown posted later today so that you can have a better idea about the match ups and who to choose.
Here’s how it’s gonna work:
Below is a bracket we’ve put together. Believe it our not we actually have a prize for the winner! We’re super rich youth pastors, so it’s an awesome $10 iTunes gift card.
If you want to play, then you must print off the bracket below, fill it out by MIDNIGHT THIS THURSDAY, and email it back to us at americanjesusblog@gmail.com (Note: This will probably require you to scan the form or take a picture of it and send us the jpeg) Please include your full name and address with your submission so that we can mail you the iTunes gift card if you win. (All names and address will be deleted upon completion of the tournament)
The tournament will begin THIS FRIDAY morning. (A schedule of match ups will be posted shortly)
We will list and describe the match up and then it is up to YOU to vote on who would win in a head-to-head grudge match. The voting times will be announced with the match up schedule.
You will receive 1 point for every correct winner in the first round, 3 points for the second round, 5 points for the third round, 10 points for the fourth round, and 20 points if you pick the grand champion, or as we are calling it: American Jesus Christian of the Year
The tournament is open to everyone, so help us spread the word on Twitter and Facebook!
Without further ado here is the official American Jesus Madness Tournament Bracket:
You can click on the image above or download a pdf version here: American Jesus Madness Bracket
*In case of a tie we will select a winner out of a hat. Seriously, we own a hat.
**Also, this is obviously the first time we’ve done this so if an unforeseen issue arises please let us know calmly and we will make up an answer for you. REMEMBER THIS IS JUST FOR FUN
I don’t mean to make assumptions, but the guy in the video seems quite taken with the “radiant and ruddy” man described in Song of Songs. Maybe even more so than his (assumedly) female lover who writes about him.
For those taking notes at home, here are some things on the “real dude” checklist.
- Dark skin (editors note: RAWR!)
- Doesn’t wear skinny jeans
- Doesn’t drink decaf herbal tea
- Wins lots of fights
- Doesn’t listen to Celine Dion
- Doesn’t watch Ellen
- Is somewhat familiar with Jersey Shore, although that part is a little confusing
- Doesn’t look like a chick
I guess that about covers it.
As we noted the other day Jesus has been popping up everywhere lately. Now it turns out Jesus has shown up in a rock.
That’s not particularly surprising considering everywhere else that he’s appeared, but what is fun about about this appearance is that the Jesus finder has put together a detailed video diagramming exactly where Jesus and Mary appear in the rock for those of us (normal people) who can’t see him in the rock.
Extra bonus with this Jesus appearing: the rock has “red veins” flowing through it, so you know it’s real!
In case you need to read the news story click here.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJqy2HbUts4]
I love Mormons. They make me giggle for so many reasons.
The whole “Are they Christians?” conversation is pretty amusing too. Everyone in “mainline” churches tend to get upset when Mormons claim to be a part of the church. What most people don’t realize is they’re not saying “we’re in this together with you guys!” They’re saying “we are the real church, not you guys.”
Not convinced? Then you need to brush up on your Mormon church history, or as they call it “church history” (because once again they’re the only legitimate church). Everything before Joseph Smith was an abomination which is why God appeared to the clever teenage treasure hunter to “restore” the church.
Fortunately the LDS has put together an “easy to understand” church history video for you! Well, not you. The video is for the holy underwear faithful.
