The Most Awkward Jesus Painting I’ve Ever Seen

So, I stumbled across a treasure trove of amazing Jesus paintings today.

And I thought, I’ve got to share these!

So, I started going through them (there were a lot, you may recognize a few) to pick out the best ones to share.

There was business Jesus.

Screen Shot 2013-10-16 at 10.07.31 AM

And creepy watching you sleep Jesus.

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And excuse me is that my baby Jesus.

Screen Shot 2013-10-16 at 10.08.41 AM

And never made it out of kindergarten Jesus. (Or Billy Madison Jesus, whichever you prefer.)

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And lots more.

But then I saw it.

The single, most awkward Jesus painting I have ever seen.

I mean, I don’t even know if you’re ready to see it.

Seriously. It’s, um, yeah.

Are you sure you want to see it?

I mean it’s really, really awkward.

Ok, now I’ve built it waaayyy too much and it’s gonna be a huge let down.

Well, here it is anyway.

I call it “I can’t think of a title that won’t send me straight to hell Jesus.”

Screen Shot 2013-10-16 at 10.04.18 AM

The best part??

For only $1,495.00 you can hang this gem in your living room and traumatize your kids for years to come!!

  • http://1t412.wordpress.com/ Christina

    These are gold. The Christian bookstore I used to work at once got in a picture of business Jesus. It took four of us to try and get it out of its box, and when we were done my coworker (a non-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is Dutch mother of 5) grimaced and said “really, we went through all that trouble for *that*?” I never could keep a straight face when customers came in and raved about it.

  • Stephen Snead

    That’s just so wrong. ;-0

  • Pam

    $1495 for the PRINT. You wouldn’t even be protecting the world by taking it out of circulation!

  • Matt Flinner

    It’s the “Katy Perry Roar Jesus”

    • Pam Manners

      Exactly

  • Roo Ciambriello

    Lost it at “Billy Madison Jesus.”

    • http://blog.nexcerpt.com/ Nexcerpt

      Except… isn’t that actually “Dubya on 9/11Jesus”?

      • skinnercitycyclist

        You, sir, are a poet…

  • Hannah Violette

    I think these are actually illustrations from the Seventh-Day Adventist published series, “The Bible Story” – I had the whole set of books when I was a child, and if you read the stories, the pictures are easily put into context. Not that I don’t struggle with Adventist interpretations…and I certainly would not hang these anywhere in my home.

    • Pam Manners

      These are all done by the same artist, Nathan Greene, just FYI

  • http://1t412.wordpress.com/ Christina

    My husband: “In the last one, isn’t it odd that Jesus is the only one clothed?”

    • Mark Letteney

      “Overdressed Jesus.”

      • Delphine

        “Nudity Optional Jesus.”

        • reynard61

          “Anachronism Jesus”?

          (“Saving souls before his time…”)

          • Duncan

            “Le dejeuner sur l’herbe Jesus”? Sorry, that might be too arcane. But it applies, I think.

          • reynard61

            “(…T)hat might be too arcane.”

            Just a bit. I know the painting, but only by it’s English title “Luncheon* in the Grass”.

            *Or “Picnic…”

          • Therry Neilsen-Steinhardt

            Not that arcane, my friend!

        • taarkov

          “Adam, when you grab Eve’s boob, hold your hand like this” Jesus

    • Jennwith2ns

      My first thoughts, too.

    • JPeckJr

      An unclothed Jesus would suggest a three-way and that would be even more disturbing.

    • Charles Rode

      CJNMF

  • Joshua Shope

    Business Jesus is a scene of a white guy who really wants to get this deal done, but doesn’t want to shake the non-white guy’s hand, so the non-white guy is all “How about my friend Jesus? He’s white, will you shake his hand?” And the white guy is like “Of course! Done deal!”

    • ZackHunt

      lol YES that is EXACTLY it!!!

    • beek7

      Is that Chandler Bing on the left?

      • http://www.pjstilnoon.com/ jennybek

        Obviously, it’s Peter Gibbons from Office Space. Does that make Jesus one of the Bobs?

      • Dave Rogers

        Could it BE more awkward?

    • Tricia

      Only Jesus wasn’t white either. He lived in Israel, was Jewish, and most likely dark skinned because of the intensity of the sun.

      • bleh

        Duh…

  • David

    So um… how is jesus talking to garden of eden adam and eve? He didn’t exist at that time. So obviously this should be titled Time Travelling Jesus

    • Civitus_Americanus

      Actually Jesus is/was/shall be infinite and eternal. Reference John 1:1 “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” The Word (taken in context) being a reference to Jesus. Although I admit the visual here is a little creepy. lol

  • BrinaHarwood

    It looks like the cover of what could be a Christian romance novel. Now, that would be a money maker.

    • Lee Kalba

      They already make those. I know someone who reads them. Not ironically.

      • http://www.circumstitions.com/ Hugh7

        Left Behind Jesus – and your right behind’s cute too.

    • skinnercitycyclist

      Pimp Jesus seems to be encouraging the couple to “shake their money maker”…

  • Tim

    “Strategically-placed tiger and fern frond while a giraffe and colorful Jungle bird look on at non-existent, physically and sexually idealized white American couple Jesus.”

  • April G

    Sex Therapist Jesus. Somebody had to show Adam and Eve what was what.

    • gefitz

      “So, Adam…when I said I ‘You look bored, so I brought you some pussy’, I meant Eve, not this tiger.”

  • Matthew

    I am amazed that Adam had, not only, a razor and a set of hair trimmers and scissors, but a great eye for modern hair design. Also, in hospital jesus, does he have a receding hair line?

    • Joshua Shope

      Hospital Jesus has a receding hairline because it’s his kid and he thought everything was worked out with the old lady and her idiot husband about keeping his parentage a secret but lately she’s been blabbing about being honest about it and blah blah blah, she’s being a real B so get off his back, okay?

    • Joseph Zimmer

      I think he did it with a sharp rock, while looking into a glassy pool.

  • kashicat

    That last one immediately made me think, “Pimp Jesus.”

  • Jon Weaver

    Is that Barry Gibbs from the Bee Gees?

  • Mama H

    BAHAHAHAHA!!!! In the last painting, it looks like Jesus is saying “Adam, I’m deeply disappointed in you. God created Eve to be your companion, and here you are – cozying up with a member of the cat family.This is shameful behavior.” And Eve is all like “That’s IT, Adam. We’re THROUGH.”
    Very funny post!:)

    • JPeckJr

      It looks to me like Jesus is saying, “Adam, let’s try this again. Eve wasn’t entirely satisfied with your first go at it.”

  • danjo

    “Trust me, Adam: you guys are totally compatible, if you know what I mean! Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge!”

  • Randy Sturgill

    Pimp Jesus looks like Tom Selleck…

  • Randy Sturgill

    Jesus has long hair, hot Eve has long hair – Adam must feel like the 3rd wheel after cutting his hair like that…

  • Randy Sturgill

    Hospital Jesus has a mullett LOL

  • Abby

    its adam and eve u freakin retards!!! U ppl make me sick with all ur stupid ass comments!!! U need to read the bible!

    • John Heitzenrater

      sounds like you do, too

      • Ellen Polzien

        And just read, period.

    • sabrinacat

      Would Jesus say that to someone? I think not…..Go back and read, my dear,

      • Duncan

        Would Jesus say that to someone? You bet he would. Read your Bible.

    • Anna Wright

      We know what it’s trying to depict, but it’s taking something awe-inspiring and turning it into something cheesy.

  • Mojebo

    Well, what do you think Adam? I made her from the rib I just ripped from you side. Not bad eh?

  • Anna Wright

    I’m not sure which is worse…these prints or the Duck Dynasty necklace with the duck in the center of the cross.

  • Emily

    Zach,
    Rod and I sat here laughing til we cried tonight. thanks!

  • kelleylynn

    Sealing the deal on eternal life.

  • gabi532

    OMG.SCARY!!!!

  • JB

    None of them look anything like Jesus… He was a Jew for a start, from the middle east… GO FIGURE!!! He looks like the type of person most Americans would describe as a terrorist!!! Ya gotta larf innit.

  • Lee Modlin

    Why does Jesus have to wear clothes if Adam and Eve are still naked?

    • Ali Wilkin

      Because Jesus NAKED?? It would be worse than married! ;-)

      • kimc

        That Betty Dodson portrait of Jesus I mentioned before has him naked.

    • JPeckJr

      A naked Jesus would suggest a three-way, which would be even more disturbing. Or, that he is saying to Adam, “Now that you see how it’s done, why don’t you try?”

  • Charles Twombly

    Especially like the first one with Jesus’ “Have I got a deal for you” approach. You can sell previously owned vehicles that way.

  • VR

    Props to Adam for letting a Tiger that close to his junk. Dude’s got balls. for now.

  • Ali Wilkin

    Biology Lesson Jesus?

  • Clayton Waters

    That last painting is totally Scarlett Johansson and Keanu Reeves!

  • Ilja V A Grauls

    Did the tiger chew off Jesus’ legs to the knees or is Adam lying on a prehistoric table?

    • Nastassja Riemermann

      Jesus is probably kneeling.

  • Kuriakos

    Where are Adam’s nipples???

    • BigBuck

      More to the point, where are Eve’s?

      • SufferinSuccotash,Vetted

        Wot, no dinosaurs?

      • Duncan

        Eve’s are hidden by that fern. Intelligent Design Adam doesn’t need nipples, only Godless Evoliution Adam has them.

        • Mike

          Best comment on the whole comment section!! LOL!!!!!! :-)

    • jh1289

      Nipples offend righties.

  • Joe Tralongo

    The adam and eve one, he looks to be saying “Are you SURE you don’t feel ANYTHING when you look at her?”

    • Anna

      Exactly what I was thinking!

      • http://www.circumstitions.com/ Hugh7

        “I’ll help you pray away the gay” Jesus?

  • Jerk Face

    I’m surprised Jesus isn’t checking out Eve rather than Adam in the last painting….she’s way hotter.

  • kim bunchalastnames

    wait — i thought justin timberlake had sold his soul to the devil for fame. why is he shaking hands with jesus?

  • Richard

    Maybe, the underlying theme, is that Jesus is with us at all times, as part of the Trinity, He always has been around, and will continue to be. There is nothing we can hide or keep from Him. Yet He gives us free will, giving us the freedom to act as we see fit, to learn and grow from our mistakes. This is part of the real challenge. It seems like it would be simpler if He were an autocratic dictator, imposing his rule on us. The would make sense, if life our on earth were the most important thing. Maybe the importance of our sole is many times greater that of our body. I’ve sometimes likened this to a simile of the caterpillar and the butterfly – if we successfully navigate this life, a beautiful fate awaits when our sole departs from our deceased body.
    This brings us to the challenges that life presents, the difficulty with navigation – how do we really know? Some people call this faith. I would prefer though if His will was stated loud and clear, detailed and irrefutable, or a at least some definitive guidelines…then I am reminded about the 10 commandments that were written in stone. Contrary to what some would have you believe, these are the key to a happy individual life as well as a healthy, thriving society.

    • Melissa Stern

      I think most of us get the theme. It’s just all predicted rather awkwardly. And Jesus in the Garden of Eden? That’s just a weird picture all around.

    • BigBuck

      The ten commandments don’t include “love your neighbor as you love yourself” nor “treat the poor as you would treat me.” They represent the old, failed covenant, not the new one.

      • Warren

        That’s not completely correct @BigBuck:disqus , Jesus answered that the greatest commandments were Love God with all you heart soul, mind, and strength, and Love your neighbor as yourself. It’s those two commands upon which hang all the Law and the Prophets. Interestingly enough when you look at the Ten Commandments the first four fall under the category of Love God, and the other six involve loving your neighbor.

        The only way in which things have changed is that instead of us having to keep the whole law, not just the Ten Commandments btw, for salvation, instead Jesus kept it for us, and then because He loves us with such great love and dwells in us we will begin to naturally keep the Ten Commandments, maybe not the rest of the Law. The only caveat being the one about the Sabbath, although I do think if we grabbed a hold of the Sabbath for the blessing it is we would really find we like it, but definitely not compulsory.

        Also @Richard while the soul is incredibly valuable and continues to Heaven, crossing the planes of existence between Earth and heaven, after we die, I think the body has a lot of value. We were created by God with bodies, and while weak and affected by the fall we do ultimately see that after death we get our bodies back though now in a glorified state, which will be awesome. I would be careful, personally, about lowering the importance of the body, it begins to bring you into contact with teaching similar to the Gnostics who believed that all matter was evil. God however created matter so I think He loves the stuff, and while the primary reason He died on the cross was the redeem man to Himself, on a broader scale it was also to redeem all creation from the Fall. Someday it too will be glorified as it was in the days of the Garden of Eden, and that will be awesome.

    • pinklife

      While I agree that sole is in fact very important, I prefer halibut.

  • http://www.facebook.com/wjhamilton29464 William J. Hamilton

    What about the tiger?

  • Tami Romani

    Laughing so hard I am crying right now!

  • Lynda Bell

    It immediately made me think of “The Lady or the Tiger” — a well-known short story by Frank Stockton I read back in high school.

  • prb

    Jane and Tarzan and Jesus.

  • Ellen Polzien

    Is that Katy Perry in the last picture? LOL

  • Candice Hoyt

    3-way/beastiality Jesus?

  • ralph

    Jesus looks a lot like Tom Selleck in some of these.

  • Moe_Szyslak

    Jesus, wingman for Eve.

  • Deacon Blues
  • Jo

    wedding night Jesus

  • wzimmerman

    ??????? ONLY $1,495.00? Are they serious? (Plus, my favorite Jesus picture is the one where he’s cradling an infant Tyrannosaurus rex)

  • Lisa

    Is it just me or does Jesus look a lot like George Clooney in a couple of those paintings…?

  • kimc

    Have you seen Betty Dodson’s beautiful portrait of Jesus?

  • Janerik

    There are so many questions. How did Adam shave and cut his hair? Why did Jesus correct his nose? Can the garden of Eden be both in India and Africa at the same time?

    • incornsyucopia

      Of course it couldn’t have been in India and Africa at the same time because it was in Missouri. Independence to be exact. Just ask the Mormons!

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  • Nobackhand

    Gotta be Mormon Paintings

  • Threem3

    If you think these are hilarious, you shoud see the Allah paintings….. oh wait.

  • Former Greenskeeper

    “Let’s have a threesome Jesus”

  • Gman

    Gotta’ Call that Last One…” Do you mind, I really Hate Sloppy Seconds Jesus”

  • Kris Overtoom

    Maybe they should make a “Kid’s Bible” version of all of these pictures.

  • http://www.ericcoomer.com/ ericcoomer

    I guess you all haven’t seen Stephen Sawyer’s paintings…

    • http://www.ericcoomer.com/ ericcoomer
    • reynard61

      Ah yes! The “WTF, JESUS?!?!?!” Collection…

    • jh1289

      WTF?

    • Duncan

      I take it the young lady in white represents the church, Jesus’ bride. Of course she’d have a white wedding.

      • sunnyside

        The child, actually. Jesus’ child bride?

        It’s probably like the purity ring fad, with girls vowing their purity to their dad. Some sexually confusing stuff, that.

    • Manders

      Is it weird that I found boxing ring Jesus kinda sexy?… thought so….

  • Tony Prost

    WHERE ARE THE DINOSAURS???

    • gefitz

      If Jesus can time travel and visit with Adam and Eve and some giraffe, them there should definitely be a freakin’ pterodactyl in there.

  • Rilian Sharp

    Is that adam and eve? I never pictured them with dark hair.

    • Duncan

      Of course they wouldn’t have dark hair! They’d be blond and blue-eyed, just like Jesus.

  • Obengruppenfuhrer Gumby

    Is Jesus standing in a hole?

  • Craig Thom

    I think Jesus is saying, “No, Adam, you have to be on top or it’s a sin.”

  • http://thisculturalchristian.blogspot.com/ michael mcshea

    Jesus in the Garden. Is that supposed to be a threesome? Or a foursome with the tiger? I think the giraffe just wants to watch.

  • Albanaeon

    Looks very much like Jesus is trying to convince Adam that he’s supposed to be with Eve, not the tiger. And Adam is totally not buying it…

  • Jebies

    “So, are we going to do this?” Jesus.

  • cleopete

    Is that Rebecca Gayheart?

  • Dingo

    I thought business Jesus was all like “What the fuck, you’ll shake a white guy’s hand but not mine?”

  • conradg

    I think that’s Teaching Adam How To Pose For Playgirl Jesus.

  • balconespolitics

    In “Adam and Eve” Jesus, where’s the dinosaur?

  • Bonne Nouvelle

    Are people actually buying this shit?

  • victor

    Billy Madison Jesus has two right hands!

    • TheLump

      The little hand is from the little girl behind him.

  • DisillusionedLiberal

    I’m sure it’s a nice frame.

  • jh1289

    i think “business Jesus” is the one that’s REALLY bizarre.

  • jh1289

    Why does Jesus look like Lorenzo Lamas instead of a dark-skinned Arab?

  • BobSF_94117

    It’s the “No, no, I didn’t say pussy cat!” Jesus.

  • Steve Delaney

    And on the eighth day, Jesus reminded Adam and Eve to get busy being fruitful and multiplying over the face of the earth.

  • pmphillips

    Easy, Tiger!

  • Joselo12

    It looks like Jesus is about to massage Eve’s breast with his left hand.

  • Duncan

    “I call it ‘I can’t think of a title that won’t send me straight to hell Jesus.’” Not to worry — you think your other titles won’t? But here, as an atheist I might as well hanged for a pound as hanged for a penny, so how about “Menage a trois Jesus”?

    I
    call it “I can’t think of a title that won’t send me straight to hell
    Jesus.” – See more at:
    http://theamericanjesus.net/?p=10943#sthash.GmMw0Q0G.dpuf

  • Scott Jamieson

    There was a Supercuts in the Garden of Eden?

  • mochalite

    Just unbelievable. Aside from everything else that is creepy about these, Adam & Eve look like the cover of a 1980s romance.

  • Ken

    Kindergarten Jesus might be “extra Limb Jesus” because he (or the kid next to him) has an extra arm. The kid has his hands linked in front of him, and Jesus has one hand on the kid’s shoulder and the other resting on his knee. Who’s arm is reaching across Jesus’ chest?

  • Michael David

    I feel like there’s a bit of a disconnect with Jesus in the garden of Eden…he’s wearing clothes! BTW he was crucified naked (he brought the naked full circle). lol other than that I’m perfectly OK with these pictures and I think the word creepy is misused just a tad here.

  • Light_Sleeper

    It’s so fortunate that the person who thought these thoughts also owned some paint. Otherwise all this would just be trapped in his head.

  • http://brilliantatbreakfast.blogspot.com brilliantatbreakfast

    The father in Photo #3 appears to be Mitt Romney. Does Ann know about this? As for “Business Jesus”, that looks like he’s congratulating Stephen Colbert.

  • Rebecca Rowe

    All the Jesus’ look like George Clooney.

  • k in la

    Jesus offers Adam a million dollars to sleep with Eve…

  • mtlshdwoverlord

    >Says these paintings of Jesus are “awkward”.

    >Has Jesus cosplaying as Uncle Sam in the banner

    Seems legit.

  • Budman

    You forgot Polygamy Jesus…

  • http://beinggodstoddler.WordPress.com/ Paul Brownnutt

    If you won’t say it, I will. A tiger and a giraffe have no business sharing the same ecosystem. This is ecologically unaware Jesus, right?

  • Jay Mandeville

    I love the one where the teacher is instructing her elementary students in the rudiments of Evolutionary theory, & Jesus sits enjoying the lesson immensely. Go, Darwinian Jesus!! :)

  • pharb

    Query: In Billy Madison Jesus, whose small hand is across Jesus’s chest? Jesus’s right hand is on the small boy’s shoulder, and the boy has his hands folded in his lap.

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  • http://www.chs-law.com Carl Starrett

    I don’t remember the Bible every saying anything about Jesus having a mullet. This version looks vaguely like Billy Ray Cyrus, which is oddly disturbing. If you don’t follow him, I guess that would break his Achy Breaky Heart.

  • GodBotherer

    FFS Adam! We need there to be 7 billion of you. So will you *please* just get on and F*** her.

  • David Leyland

    Jesus is saying “not that kind of pussy this kind!”. And the giraffe is simply saying “Jerk!”.

  • David Leyland

    Eve is saying just bring me an apple! I don’t want to f**k this creep!

  • Guest

    WHAT ON EARTH is going on with Adam’s left hand???

  • Chris

    The picture with Adam & Eve is called “The Introduction.” It’s the moment Adam wakes up from losing his rib and see’s Eve for the first time. I’m totally missing the creep-factor.

  • JPeckJr

    In the hospital one, it is more disturbing to me that the kid in the foreground brought his baseball and glove to the hospital room, and that this is apparently the couple’s fourth child.

  • Erik Wikstrom
  • Elaine Schoepf

    How is it they had hairdressing shears, blow dryers and curling irons, but no clothes?

  • Matt

    Gay for pay Jesus?

  • J. D.

    This is my favorite Jesus painting, which has been up on ebay forever it seems.

    http://www.ebay.com/itm/Jesus-Tries-to-Cheer-up-Paul-McCartney-Using-a-Lambchop-Puppet-by-Kata-Billups-/190336609113

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  • Lucy Owsley-Goodman

    Jesus has a mullet

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  • John Wallace

    Is the hospital/baby one “Donor Sperm Jesus”?

  • Brian

    Capitalist Jesus?

    As perverted as that is, I think that Yuppie White Couple in Eden with White Jesus explaining the “facts of life” to them (even though they clearly figured it out before White Republican Jesus got there) is creepier.

  • Brian

    That last one, in Eden, is curious for a number of reasons. It just occurred to me that Adam and Eve are buck naked but Jesus is almost entirely covered in a sheet.

    So wouldn’t that make Adam and/or Eve wonder why Jesus has clothes on and wonder what he is hiding or is ashamed of?

    The Bible says that they discovered that they were naked only after the Snake introduced them to Sin. But according to this painting, it was Jesus who likely gave them the idea to be ashamed of themselves.

  • T

    I saw something totally different….. Before reading the post I looked at the pictures. After reading the post, I almost judged the pictures. My point is, those that know God could see the positive in each and every painting. The beauty of God! How he’s there in the workplace. How he watches over your children while they sleep. How he’s been there since birth, and how amazing he is for creating every living being. Thank you Lord that I see the BIG picture. I pray that you will too! #God’s Child#

  • Karen Mitchell

    OMG!! These comments are too effing funny! I was laughing so hard I peed my pants a little.

  • Charles Rode

    Mullet Jesus

  • withoutamask77 .

    I disagree with your opionions. Jesus Is God.Jesus calls fro the peace and not for the war.USA is a country agaisnt Jesus and the Chrisitans.
    Why you don’t stop the bad movies those against Jesus?
    as you know Hollywood run by the jews.

  • Manders

    I actually think they were all beautiful and sweet except two. The business Jesus made me giggle and the adam and eve one was just…weird. The one with him in school I loved until I read your Billy Madison Jesus title and I busted out laughing lololol!!

  • VoiceOfReason71

    Yknow, in that last one, Jesus is obviously explaining something to Adam, and Eve’s got a look on her face like, “Duh, I knew that, Adam. You’d better listen to this guy.” Yet Adam’s expression is one of somebody who really isn’t too sure and is laughing to himself. Considering that according to the Bible (Genesis 2:20), Adam looked all around for a help-meet (mate) when there were only animals around … and he’s clearly snuggling up to a tiger … yeah, this painting will send me to hell too. I’ll save you a seat! :D

  • Fudgefase

    Lol. Is that tiger fancying a bit of scrag end?