This Week In Jesus

From gun-toting Armageddon Jesus to a preordained NFL Draft, there’s a lot of Jesusy stuff you need to know about going into the new week.

So, for your convenience I’ve combined them all into one post.

First up, Jesus is a Coke guy.

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How do I know?

Because that’s what he told a guy in Queensland, Australia to steal. If he preferred Pepsi, the Lord would have said so.

Next up, if you’re a football fan, you can forget about all those mock drafts. The 2014 NFL has already been decided.

By God.

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Don’t believe me?

Then believe Adam Muema.

The former San Diego State running back withdrew from the NFL Scouting Combine after God told him he would be drafted by the Super Bowl champs, the Seattle Seahawks. Muema even went so far as to update his Twitter account to reflect his new team…and jersey number.

You know those annoying Facebook movies your friends can’t stop sharing? Well, apparently Jesus made one too.

Unlike your your friend’s movie, this one is actually kind of worth watching.

Buenos Aires just reopened their own version of Orlando’s Holy Land Experience – except it’s inexplicably way more tackier.

Robo-Jesus rises from the dead every 10 minutes and the park is filled with cheesy plastic statutes and it’s just too awesome and I want to go to there.

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And last, but certainly not least, Family Research Council’s Executive Vice President Jerry Boykin demonstrated his small penis syndrome total lack of critical reading skills when he declared that Jesus will return to earth branding an AR-15 assault rifle.

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I don’t even know what to do with that.

It’s just…wow.

Anyway, there’s probably way more ridiculous Jesus stuff out there this week, but there’s only so much ridiculousness one post can handle and Jerry Boykin already went way above and beyond the ridiculous limit with his “Jesus wants you to buy an AR-15″ jackassery.

So, until next time, this has been “This Week In Jesus.”

I hope you feel more informed now.

Or at least a little horrified entertained.

 

  • Adele Bohn

    i like how the fb movie posts have 7.7 billion likes. classy. relevant.

  • Bart Massey

    “branding” -> “brandishing”. Also, the “small penis syndrome” crack is inappropriate, uncharitable and unnecessary. Your point is better made without it.

    • Eric

      If you’re more upset about a penis joke than about loons like Boykin, then your priorities might be a tiny bit out of whack.

      • Bart Massey

        Maybe.

        The whole “love our enemies, do good to those that hate us” thing seems like it’s at least slightly relevant. Anyway, it’s not a contest: of course I’m unhappy with Mr. Boykin, but I hold people who appear to be sane and genuinely Christian to a slightly higher standard.

        I have got a lot of real inspiration from this site, and thanks much to Zack for the hard work of putting it out there, but I do admit to preferring the less-juvenile and more-spiritual stuff. I can get snarky slightly off-color rants about public figures, sarcastic reviews of bizarre products and the like almost anywhere on the interwebs, but good Christian writing that is insightful and hits the heart as well as the head is rare stuff indeed.

        Our Lord used a few pejorative metaphors to describe religious figures (“generation of vipers” comes to mind), but I’m doubting “loon” or “small penis” is something He would have said or wants us to say about an obviously troubled individual He loves in spite of it all. If you believe otherwise, well, God bless you too. :-)

  • Eric

    I lurve “This Week in Jesus” as a feature and hope you do it again!

  • Rebecca Erwin

    Love the penis crack. It puts it all into perspective. Pride and Jesus don’t mix. The theme park makes my head hurt. Thanks for the shot of reality.

  • Nicholas

    I am burned out of Jesus. Maybe now I can get back to the Real Christ. You know, the non commercialized One.

    • Karen

      Well, maybe He’s separated Himself from “mainstream” American Evangelicalism and derivative consumer-centered and fad spiritualities. I’m pretty sure He’s still in pretty tight with faithful folks like this, and they belong to a Christian tradition that is about as “mainstream” as you can get–with concrete, traceable roots deep in Christian history all the way back to the earliest centuries of the Church:

      http://www.worldmag.com/2014/02/kidnapped_nuns_no_longer_bear_the_cross

      • Nicholas

        After Constantine got involved or after 325AD the spirit or essence of Christ was slowly replaced by ‘another Christ’, one that catered to the new Pagan/Hybrid religion called Christianity. This new Christ that was set up was one that demanded worship not sacrifice, words and not actions, hearing and not doing.

        This is what all the apostles and prophets spoke of when they spoke of the great falling away and the rise of ‘antichrist’ or something ‘in place of Christ’. This same antichrist spirit is still alive and well in the churches today.

        Christ is only pretty tight with those who walk in love and are helping to end suffering in the world. And many of those people do not even attend a local church. Christ has separated Himself from those who are not actively doing something to help end suffering in the world.

        • Karen

          Sorry to read you have apparently swallowed whole the Protestant mythology about Church history that developed in the wake of the Reformation and especially 19th century American Fundamentalism! I spent more than 40 years in the Evangelical camp, so I understand how that happens. Having had the chance to explore that theory a bit more deeply myself, however, I’ve discovered the truth of Church history is considerably more nuanced than those who get their history and theology lessons from Jack Chick tracts might allow.

          I do agree that those who fit the description of the sheep in Matthew 25 (assuming such actions spring from a compassionate and humble heart–a given in the full context of the Gospels I’d suggest) are those walking close to Christ (regardless of what Christian tradition, or lack thereof, they may hail from). This is the Orthodox Christian teaching, and we just celebrated the “Sunday of the Last Judgment” where this passage is read and expounded every year in preparation for Lent and Pascha (Easter). The nuns referenced in the link I provided certainly fit that description . . . and then some. Doesn’t it seem a bit incongruous to you, that these nuns as the most observant of Orthodox Christians (in which tradition Constantine is honored as a Saint for his role in ending persecution of Christianity in the Roman Empire, btw) could so resemble the true Christ in their heart and actions when they are supposedly really serving a false Christ as you allege?

  • Karen

    How many warriors do you know that shoot their AR-15s out of their mouth (Rev. 1:16)?! Perhaps that’s a clue Mr. Boykin (who I suspect is drawing from what is likely a fairly popular Evangelical Premillennial interpretation of Revelation) has little clue about the real nature and meaning of such language and imagery in 1st century apocalyptic literature.