White people aren’t the only ones dabbling in bad Christian rap these days.
Everybody with us now:
“Baby Wake Up… It’s Suuuunday
Get the Kids Up… It’s Suuuunday
I been going to church my whole life on Sundays,
I messed up all week but not on Sunday!”
If you don’t believe us, then please examine exhibit A below.
It’s the aftermath of a root canal combined with Jesus and unicorns and sprinkled with a little rap.
The entire video is incredible, but the “Who’s in the house? Jesus’ is in the house” rap starts about 1:09.
Enjoy and you’re welcome.
Apparently Christians are deeply moved by The Lonely Island’s digital short on SNL, “Like a Boss” (Note: Link takes you to “clean” version, although it’s still pretty vulgar). Youtube is practically bursting at the seams with Christian knock-offs of the infamous video. Here are our 5 favorites- let us know in the comments which one you think deserves the titles of “Bossiest Christian Like A Boss Video.”
1.) This one’s actually fairly well done and fairly true to the original. Probably the favorite to bring the title home
2.) The Pentecostal version- “Like a ‘Cost”. Solid entry
3.) It actually took me a few seconds to calibrate my mind around the fact that they had completely replaced “Like a Boss” with “Preach the Word.” Visionaries…
4.) This one get deductions for not even attempting to sound like the song he references. Tisk, tisk sir.
5.) The last entry had a lot of potential, but the length left us wanting more (Obligatory: “That’s what she said “)
Which is your favorite?
We’re introducing a new weekly feature here at American Jesus called Throwback Thursdays. Each thursday we will dig deep into the vaults of Christian Music and revisit their “glory.”
Our first entry? ”I Luv Rap Music,” by DC Talk. It’s still amazing to consider the diversity that can be seen across the arc of their career. I mean, how is the group in the video below the same group who released “Jesus Freak” just a few years later?
We’ve done the research for you. So, all you have to do is vote for the winner.
As promised here are the breakdowns of the matchups for American Jesus Madness.
Mark Driscoll vs. Interpretive Dance Lady
This one might seem like a no brainer. Driscoll is a man’s man. He doesn’t mess with sissy stuff like yoga. There is no way he would ever lose to a woman. But don’t be so quick to count this lady out. Not only is she an awesome dancer, but her video made it all the way to the Huffington Post! Then again, Driscoll is probably too much of a bully to lose to anybody.
Ted Haggard vs. Hookers For Jesus
This might be one of the trickiest 1st round matchups. We all know that Pastor Ted has a penchant for hookers, and possibly his own family. But these hookers loves Jesus. So, if Ted decides to take one home it might not end up the way he hopes. Then again, Ted was never a big fan of female hookers.
Terry Jones vs. Westboro Baptist
There’s nothing pretty (or redeeming) about this match up. Terry Jones wants to burn the Koran and Fred Phelps wants everybody to burn. Neither one of these people have many fans. Just know that if you do vote for Westboro Baptist we will judge you.
Stephen Colbert vs. Kirk Cameron
This is a battle of TV stars. You may be wondering “Why is Stephen Colbert in the tournament?” Here’s your answer. Also, he’s catholic and sorry to all you fundies out, but there that does count as being a Christian. There was a time when I would have gladly voted for Kirk Cameron for anything. I’ll admit it. I was a Growing Pains fan. But then Kirk hooked up with Ray Comfort and he quickly fell off my teen idol list. Just remember that if you don’t vote for Stephen Colbert it means you hate America.
John Piper vs. Mountaintop Jesus
This might be an easy win for Piper. Apparently, all he has to do is say “farewell” and you’re done. But, he’ll have to climb to the top of a mountain to get at this incarnation of Jesus. Or maybe Piper can just tweet his victory.
Ron Luce vs. YouTube Christian Rapper
We’ve got another tough 1st round battle here. Two armies collide, only 1 will survive. On one side Ron Luce has his Teen Mania army ready to destroy everyone in their path. On the other side is an army of YouTube Christian Rappers here, here, here, and here ready for their big break. Who will win? I don’t know, but either way we are the losers in the battle.
Steven Anderson vs. King James Bible
This 1st round matchup is a full on Civil War. In one corner we have the greatest fundie pastor of them all. In the other corner is the only true, uncorrupted version of the word of God. Pastor Anderson loves the KJV, so what can he do? This one all comes down to whether or not this KJV is 1611 or a newer corruption.
Jack Chick vs. Ed Young
Sometimes you get really random pairings because they were the only people left. Such is the case in this first round matchup. Jack Chick is the godfather of religious tracts. Ed Young loves 3-D. It’s old Christian tech versus new hotness. This one’s totally up to the voters.
Rob Bell vs. Tree Jesus
Did you know Rob Bell wrote a new book?? Probably not, since nobody has really said anything about it. In other news, Jesus has been popping up everywhere, including a tree. To be honest this matchup is probably a no brainer. All Rob Bell has to do is imply that there is no tree and everyone else will decide that there is no tree. Rob wins!
Pat Robertson vs. Rocking Chair Jesus
This could be a battle for the ages. What can be a tougher fight than a senile old man and a rocking chair. Throw in the fact that the senile old man is a pastor and the rocking chair has the face of Jesus on it and you’ve got a battle of epic proportians. History tells us that the rocking chair usually wins this battle, but don’t count out Pat. He may turn out to be the tournament sleeper that steals the show. Get it? Sleeper, rocking chair. That’s a top quality joke right there.
Rick Warren vs. Andy Stanley
This battle is a pure Tupac vs. Biggie, East Coast/West Coast showdown. If you’re an east coaster, go with Stanley. If you’re a west coaster, go with Warren. If you live in the middle, then just go to your church’s library and see who’s curriculum you’re using and vote accordingly.
Doug Giles vs. Christian Ventriloquist
If you don’t know who Doug Giles is then count yourself lucky. If you’ve never had to sit through this rapping Christian ventriloquist then count yourself equally blessed. The smart money here is on Giles to whip the ventriloquist out of the tournament because that’s what Jesus would do.
Joel Osteen vs. Pet Rock Jesus
It’s the smiling preacher versus a rock that supposedly looks like Jesus and Mary. Osteen is the heavy favorite here. After all what’s not to love about Joel? I would say everything. Then again, if you vote for Joel God will make you rich.
Ken Ham vs. Ray Comfort
This may just be the toughest 1st round matchup to call. You’ve got Creation Museum founder Ken Ham going against none other than the banana man himself Ray Comfort. This one will definitely come down to the wire, but Ham may just pull through with his epic Noah’s ark theme park.
Third Eagle vs. John Hagee
Things don’t get any easier with this matchup. We’ve got two titanic self proclaimed experts on end time prophecy going head to head. If John Hagee seems like the favorite here, then it’s only because you don’t know enough about the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse. Watch his videos, especially the music videos, and then decide who the real co-prophet of the end times is!
Buddy Jesus vs. May 21, 2011
This may seem like a random pairing, an action figure against a prophesied date for the second coming, but that’s only because it is. Buddy Jesus
So there you have it! Breakdowns of all the 1st round matchups. In the end though, it’s up to YOU to vote on the winner. Stay tuned for a schedule of match up and voting times.
If you’re like me, the two passions in your life are white rappers and Jesus Christ. To my own dismay, these two worlds rarely- if ever- collide. Well, brace yourself- because below is a Jesusified version of “The Real Slim Shady” called “The Real Jesus Christ.” And yes, it is every bit as awesome as you think it would be. Watch out Lecrae!
Lyrics below the video.
“The Real Jesus Christ”
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Jesus Christ please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Jesus Christ please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here..
Y’all act like you never seen God before
Jaws all on the floor like me, like God just burst in the door
and started spitin his word better than before
he is sometimes ignored, been throw out the door (Ahh!)
It’s the return of the… “Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding,
he didn’t just die on the cross for our sins, did he?”
And Jesus said… of course i did!
Jesus is back, he’s locked inside my heart! (Ha-ha!)
Christian people love Jesus
Chiga Chiga Chiga
“Jesus Christ, I’m lovin of him
Look at him, walkin around in heaven with you-know-what
Flippin spiritualy the you-know-who,” “Yeah, but he is so great though!”
Yeah, he’s probably got a couple of people not following his word But what’s worse, than what’s goin when people don’t believe in him
Sometimes, I wanna get on the news and just let his word loose, but can’t
but it’s cool for for them to show another movie on tv
“His word is on my lips, his word is on my lips”
And if I’m lucky, i might just be able to see his face
And that’s the message that we should deliver to little kids
And expect them know what a gods word is
Of course they should know what gods word is
By the time they hit fourth grade
They got the Bible don’t they?
“We ain’t nothing but his creation..” Even, all across the nation
who love other people and open up his word
But if we can follow his word
then there’s no reason that a man or women should ever have to suffer
But if you feel like I feel, I got the Word
Everyone wave your bible, sing the chorus and it goes
[Chorus: Eminem (repeat 2X)]
‘Cause Hes Jesus Christ, yes hes the real God
All you other posers are just imitating
So won’t the real Jesus Christ please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?
[Eminem]
Jesus Chirst don’t gotta lie in his bible to tell his word;
And you don’t, so praise him and he will praise you too!
You think he doesn’t give a thought about You?
Half of you people can’t even praise him, let alone stand him
“But Guys, what if you did, wouldn’t it be great?”
Why? So Jesus could just use his word to get you here?
So you can, sit there next to your idol?
Shoot, You better better switch me chairs
so I can sit next to Him, the one, Jesus Christ
and watch ‘em bless over who believed in him first
You better praise, they should put him on MTV
“Yeah, he’s great, and I think he’s ready to see me !”
You should download his audio on MP3
and show the whole world how god’s word is key
I wish you people would listen to him, all I do is think of him
so I have been sent here to teach you
And there’s a million of us just like me
who pray like me; who just don’t care about themselves like me
who go to church like me; walk, talk and act for god like me
and just might be the next best thing but not quite as good as him!
[Chorus]
[Eminem]
His word is so great to listen to, cause hes only givin you
things you can talk about with your friends inside your living room
The only catch is you need to mean it when you say it
in front of everyone and It don’t gotta be false or sugarcoated at all
just get on the mic and spit it
and whether you like to admit it I just praise it
all for god and i am happy for the rappers who also can
I wonder if kids can listen to these words like i did
It’s funny; cause at the rate I’m goin when I’m in heaven
I’ll be one of many in Gods Kingdom happy
Jumping for joy when I’m running away with Jesus
And I’m crazy for him, and i hope this rap starts working
And every single person is a Jesus Christ lurkin
He could be watchin me as i sing, spittin his word in his ring
Or in the church, circling
Screaming “I love Jesus so much!”
with my word flowing down and my bible held up
So, will the real Jesus please stand up?
And put one of those scriptures on each book up?
And be proud to be our savior of my mind and my soul
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?
[Chorus 4X]
That title isn’t a typo.
Apparently it stands for “Hardcore Bible Thumping Spirit Filled Jesus Freaks.”
It’s so obvious now. I don’t know why I didn’t get that the first time.
Anyway, we present yet another reason why you probably shouldn’t make your own homemade Christian rap video. Although I will say that nothing says “gangsta” more than sitting in front of a wooden fence. Orange pants and a touch of auto-tune don’t hurt either.
For the record that was her title not mine.
All I know is Eminem better watch his back…..
Some things just leave you speechless. This is one of them.
Maybe you’re a pastor out there who doesn’t like rap music. Maybe you’re even convinced that it’s the devil’s music. But what can a simple pastor do to fight satan’s musical minions??
Isn’t it obvious? You make your own rap video!
**Also, this makes post number 100! Not a huge milestone, but a good one to reach. So, a BIG THANKS to everyone out there who’s been following the blog. We REALLY appreciate it.
