Archives For Judgement Day

 

As we continue the countdown to Judgement Day on May 21st we bring you yet another sign of the coming apocalypse.

Do you know what the first Google search result is for church??

That’s right, Mark Driscoll is the top result for “church”!!

If “Pastor Mark” is the top definition of what looks like, then surely Jesus is coming quickly to reclaim her church and save her from the insanity, arrogance, and closet fundamentalism that is Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill Church.

With this latest sign we here at American Jesus are beginning to seriously consider the possibility that Jesus may in fact return on May 21st. After all, if this is what the church looks like or what people want it to look like, then we say “Come quickly Lord Jesus!”

On a better note, though, there may be a counter sign of the apocalypse in this sign of the apocalypse.

The number 3 Google search result for “church” is Church’s Chicken and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with some fried chicken. Mmmmmm……

**Although true fried chicken connoisseurs know that the best chicken on the face of the planet is at Gus’ Fried Chicken in Memphis, TN. If you disagree then you either 1)have never been blessed to experience Gus’ culinary delight or 2)you are a bigger “heretic” than Rob Bell and love will definitely not win for you!)

 

May 21, 2011 (AKA Judgement Day) is just around the corner!

So, we’re keeping an eye on things for you, looking out for any sign of our impending doom so that you can get right with Jesus before He comes back in a few weeks.

Here’s your latest sign of the apocalypse……glow in the dark pork!

Miami NewTimes – Gabriela Garcia :

There have been a lot of signs of the apocalypse lately. Earthquake in Haiti, tsunami in Japan, the Donald runs for prez. But this week’s hint at impending global doom comes courtesy of Changsha, China, where several people bought a bunch of pork, left it in their kitchens, and woke up to find it mysteriously glowing bright blue, according to the Wall Street Journal. And an English translation of the Shanghai Daily (which includes some crazy-*** pictures of the meat) states the likely culprit is phosphorescent bacteria. But the city’s health department has declared the mutant Avatarmeat “still safe to consume after cooking and heating.”

As if that weren’t apocalyptically disturbing enough, 47 percent of all beef, pork, and poultry in the United States is likely tainted with a different bacteria, Staphylococcus aureus. This was determined by a recent study that used samples of meat from supermarkets across the country. Thanks to all the antibiotics already pumped into commercial meat, this strain has become drug-resistant and is linked to all kinds of health problems including “potentially fatal illnesses,” according to the study. And though that meat has also been determined safe to eat after cooking at a proper temperature, there can still be cross-contamination via hands, cutting boards, and knives.

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With all the news surrounding the death of Osama Bin Laden, it’s easy to forget the REAL news story this month….

The world is ending on May 21st!!!

I bet you forgot. Well, we are here to remind you.

To help you out, starting today we will be highlighting daily signs of the apocalypse which point to our imminent doom. That way you can make appropriate preparations for the coming apocalypse.

As part of this awareness campaign we have requested an interview with the people behind the May 21st judgement day. Keep your fingers crossed that they’ll say yes so that we can all have a better understanding of what to expect in the coming days.

In the meantime we will scour the news for any signs pointing the way to our impending doom. And if you see any signs in the sky please make sure to share them!

First up, in typical sensitive and sensible evangelical fashion a “theologian” named Paul Begley declares that the tornadoes that destroyed Alabama were in fact a “demon possessed sign of the apocalypse.”